Ladies, be honest: when your sex life becomes a little humdrum, out comes the mental catalogue of all the ways your partner isn’t quite measuring up.  Guys tend to get a bad rap when it comes to understanding women’s bodies and what turns us on, making them easy targets in the blame game when sexual satisfaction starts to wane.  And sure, they make their fair share of bedroom errors. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. As it turns out, top sex and relationship experts say that women make plenty of sex mistakes of their own.  Here’s what they have to say about the six most common mistakes women make in the bedroom and what you can do to get the satisfaction you so rightly deserve.

 Mistake #1: Not Initiating with Your Partner

Many of us worry about ladylike behavior.  We don’t want to appear pushy or come on too strong for fear of being labeled aggressive. According to Les Parrot, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author of a new book called Crazy Good Sex, failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes women make. 

“Most guys feel like they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship,” he says.  Generally, men want to be pursued by their partners just as much as women do.

Holding onto outdated ideas about sex roles also inhibits satisfaction with our sexual relationships, says “Dr. Ruth,” aka Ruth Westheimer, PhD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities.  “They used to think that women are less interested in sexual activity and I don’t want to say that anymore. I think there are women who are as interested in sex [as men].” 

Show your interest by taking the first step from time to time.  Your partner will likely appreciate it, and you may find a new level of satisfaction in taking responsibility for your sexual experience, something Westheimer feels strongly women must do.

 Mistake #2: Worrying About What You Look Like

Thinking about how you look during sex stops you from enjoying yourself and ruins your chances of achieving an orgasm.

“Don’t think about the fat on your belly or the makeup on your face,” advises Westheimer.  “Concentrate on the pleasure of the act.  You must give yourself permission to have an orgasm.”

“Men want their wives to abandon themselves in sex play, and that’s not likely if she is anxious about her physical concerns,” Parrott says.

Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of a new book called Why Him, Why Her, says men don’t notice half the things women obsess about anyway. 

 Mistake #2: Worrying About What You Look Like continued…

“It’s amazing what men don’t notice if you’re enthusiastic, energetic, interested in them, and flexible minded.”

According to Fisher, there is an evolutionary explanation for the selective blindness men show to our physical flaws. For Darwinian reasons, says Fisher, men are (unconsciously, of course) looking for women who are able to bear healthy babies.  Starting millions of years ago, men who attracted fertile women and had a lot of children lived on. Those who couldn’t died out.  Although maybe not as necessary today, Fisher says that primal survival mechanism lives on.

“Men are much more attracted to women who show signs of health and youth and fertility.  Rather than worry about the shape of your waist and hips, worry about your energy level and enthusiasm and interest in him,” Fisher advises.

 Mistake #3: Assuming Sex Is Casual for a Man

Westheimer believes we should all let go of old-fashioned notions, such as women are not sexual or that sex is just sex to men.  “For some men, sex is a very important act.  Don’t minimize it.”

The research, says Parrott, supports the idea that both men and women find sexual intimacy in the context of a committed relationship to be more satisfying. 

“Numerous research studies make it very clear that the people who have the best quality and most frequent sex are married couples. That says a lot about the inadequacies of ‘casual sex,” Parrot says.

In a study being conducted by Fisher and her colleagues of university students engaging in one-night stands, the numbers show that men are just as serious about sex and relationships as women.  In fact, more than 50% of women and 52% of men who went into a one-night stand, according to Fisher, reported that they did so hoping to create a longer relationship.  One-third of them actually did so.  What’s the lesson? 

“Never assume that a man is not romantic,” Fisher says. “Two huge mistakes in this culture are that women are not sexual and that men are not as romantic [as women].”

 Mistake #4: Believing He’s Always Up for Sex

Sure, most teenage boys are ready and willing just about any time you ask, but not true for men.  The pressures of everyday life — family, work, bills — can zap a man’s libido.  This comes as a big surprise to many women, and often his lack of interest in sex is something we take personally.

“It comes as such a shock [to women] that they just don’t believe it,” Fisher says about the reaction many women have when their partner says they aren’t in the mood for sex. “They know themselves that they are not always interested in sex but they still love the man.  But when they discover he doesn’t want to have sex, they think, ‘he doesn’t love me.’  Not true.  He just doesn’t want to have sex.”

 Mistake #5: Not Giving Him Guidance

Talking very directly about sex, what we like and don’t like can make us feel uncomfortable, even with a partner we’ve been with for a long time and otherwise feel close to, says Parrott. But it’s the only way to achieve a satisfying sexual relationship. 

“A woman must take responsibility for her sexual encounter,” says Westheimer.  “No man can bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn’t take responsibility for her sexual experience.  Even the best lover can’t know what she needs without her letting him know.”

The good news, according to Fisher, is that men very much want to please women. 

“If you can tell them in a way that doesn’t kill their ego, they will appreciate it,” says Fisher.  She advises women to sandwich what they don’t like in between five things they do, because he’s listening.  “You won’t find out until the next time you’re in bed with him.  But men do listen, particularly if you’re quite clear about it.”

 Mistake #6: Getting Upset When He Suggests Something New

After a couple has been together for a while, it’s natural to want to spice things up with a little variety.  Just because your man wants to try something new doesn’t mean he’s unhappy with you or your sex life.  In short: Don’t take it personally.

Still, it’s important that you tune into your comfort zone says Parrott.

“Nobody should ever feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do in the personal and intimate area of sexuality,” Parrott says.  “If your man asks you about trying something that’s outside of your morals, make it clear that it’s off limits for you and explain why.  Of course, do this in a loving way as best you can.  If it is something that is not really a moral issue for you but you still don’t want to, again explain why.  If it is a simply a startling request and you’re initially uneasy about it, try not to overreact.  Instead, let him know you need some time to think about it.”

By Lindsey Palmer

You know the feeling: You’re introduced to someone new and — boom! — you’re instant pals, or you meet a man and — sigh — it’s love at first sight. That mysterious experience we call “hitting it off” is what psychologist Rom Brafman and his brother, Ori, explore in their new book, Click: The Magic of Instant Connections.

The Brafmans’ research uncovers the “accelerators,” such as complementary body language and letting down your guard, that lead to instant bonds and also strengthen long-term relationships. “These accelerators generate ‘click’ because they boost intimacy,” Ori says. “Whether you’re trying to connect with someone new or reignite the flames in a marriage, more intimacy is what you’re aiming for, and the strategies to achieve it are the same.”

Here, he explains three easy ways to harness the power of “click” to feel closer to your guy:

Give a quick kiss. “Studies bear out the importance of casual touch, how it makes us feel safer and more empathetic,” Brafman says. “So scootch in a little closer to your husband, and make a point of touching him casually, on the elbow or hip, throughout the day.”

Look for likenesses. “We naturally seek out similarities as a way to feel close to others, and the happiest couples are on a constant quest to uncover ways in which they’re alike,” Brafman says. “Sharing things in common with your partner — anything from a mutual love of slapstick comedy to a joint passion for pizza — makes you feel like you’re part of the same unit, that you’re both in your own little ‘in group.’”

Get in sync. “Meeting your partner where he is, on both the body and mind levels, leads to increased intimacy,” Brafman says. “Paying attention to what he’s saying is important, but you can also demonstrate your understanding by mirroring his gestures, like crossing your legs when he does. He’ll subconsciously understand that you’re present with him and then naturally reciprocate for you.” Still, no need to go too far: If you catch your guy scratching his chest, well, that can be his thing.

By Jennifer Soong
Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

 When I casually asked my friend Becky about secret turn-ons for women, she didn’t hesitate for a second. “Doing the dishes,” she responded, as her husband looked at her in disbelief. “That’s hot!”

For many women, turn-ons aren’t necessarily about traditional romantic gestures like getting roses on Valentine’s Day or canoodling during candlelit dinners. Simple everyday rituals like pitching in with the dishes or having coffee together at sunrise can be downright sexy. (Listen up, fellas, you don’t even need to spring for a card.)

“When a partner can really count on these kinds of little loving gestures on an ongoing basis, it really makes for the kind of connection that’s absolutely necessary to have a relationship hang on through the good and the bad and all the crazy stuff,” says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, EdS, LMFT, a couples therapist in Mt. Kisco, N.Y. and author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.

“Caring gestures make women feel really good,” she says. “Guys don’t realize how important they are for women when it comes to getting turned on in the bedroom. To connect physically, they really need that emotional and mental connection.”

Helping to Unload the Groceries

Lori Bizzoco, a writer and stay-at-home mom in Brooklyn, N.Y., says her husband not only helps out with the dishes, but also with household chores and taking care of their 2-year-old daughter. But what she appreciates most is when she comes home from the store, he will always come out to the car to help unload bags because he knows she’s got a bad back.

“What makes it special,” she says, “is that he never rubs any of what he does in my face or complains. He simply believes these things are what husbands are supposed to do. That to me is the biggest turn-on of all!”

A Cup of Joe at Sunrise

Beverly Solomon of Lampasas, Texas, has been married to artist and designer Pablo Solomon for 35 years and works side-by-side with him managing their art business.

“Of course, there are many reasons that our love has endured,” she says, “but the one thing that I really love is that Pablo brings me my first cup of coffee each morning.”

He rises much earlier than she does and brews coffee as he begins working on his art. When he sees her bedside light turn on, he brings her coffee over to her.

“We usually have a cup together on our veranda while watching the sun come up over our ranch,” she says. “We like to give thanks and to plan our day.”

Need a Ride, Baby

After an especially long day at work, Robin Siebold, a psychotherapist in Melbourne, Fla., says her husband of five years knows exactly how to lift her spirits. He will surprise her by showing up at her workplace with his tow truck and loading her car onto his flatbed.

“I feel like I am always putting out fires at work so at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is one more thing, like drive home,” she says. “So when I walk out of work and he is sitting in the parking lot patiently waiting for me, it always makes me smile! And I feel appreciated.”

How Sweet It Is

Teresa Joyce, a product designer in Austin, Texas, adores how her husband brings her home a candy bar several times a week. He’s not a sweet tooth, but he knows how much she craves chocolate so on his way out of work he stops by the vending machine to pick up an Almond Joy or Hershey’s bar.

“After 20 years of marriage, you’re not as mushy,” she says. “We don’t talk much during the day. So that’s how I know he’s thinking about me.”

Saying “I’m Sorry” Goes a Long Way

Berit Brogaard, a philosophy and psychology professor at the University of Missouri, St. Louis, writes via email that she is single, but what she loved most about her partner in a previous relationship was that he was quick to say “I am sorry” when he was clearly at fault.

“A simple apology when deserved expresses a deep kind of respect for the other person,” she writes. “Once you are with someone who is emotionally fair and considerate, I no longer care about dishes or who does what. And, for me, it’s a definite turn-on.”

  Innocence Makes Her Heart Flutter

Patricia Klingler, a life coach in Bellevue, Wash., says she loves to look at her husband when he isn’t paying attention and see the little boy in him.

“Most men still have this inner child who is curious and innocent,” she says. “My heart flutters when I see the man who doesn’t have to solve every problem and know every answer, and is just enjoying the moment. The real turn-on is that he is completely oblivious to my stares, which makes the innocence even more attractive.”

Small Turn-Ons Add Up Over Time

All of these types of turn-ons — whether they happen everyday or every week — can enrich and strengthen a relationship. It’s important to cherish these connections, especially when we get caught up in the cycle of our busy daily lives.

“It’s a continuing need no matter where you’re at in a relationship,” O’Neill says. “The hope is that if you’ve established these kinds of behaviors all along, then you’re not going to feel as though you’re going to have to work on it so hard later on.”

“What I’ve witnessed over many years is those little behaviors, when individually considered, are certainly not earth-shattering but over time create a sum that is so much greater than its parts,” she says.

Keep in mind that what’s a turn-on for one woman may be a turn-off for another. “It’s very personal,” O’Neill says. “For me, I love it when my husband says, ‘Let’s take a walk together’ at the end of a long week. It’s way better than bringing home flowers.

“In humans, the effect is quite different, because they have to inhale their own pheromone for it to work,” says Peter Pugliese, MD, PhD. From the nose, the pheromone travels to a part of the brain involved in emotions and sex drive. “This makes the person aware of their own attractiveness and allows them to project a heightened sense of approachability,” says Pugliese in an article by Laurie Barclay, MD, Love is All in Your Head, or Is It in Your Genes?

Everyone knows what it’s like to be powerfully affected by a partner’s smell—witness men who bury their noses in their wives’ hair and women who can’t stop sniffing their boyfriends’ T-shirts. And couples have long testified to the ways scent-based chemistry affects their relationships. “says Rachel Herz, the author of The Scent of Desire.

We’re packaged in a roll on bottle that is discreet and small enough for your pants pocket or purse.  Put it on, inhale the refreshing fragrance and enjoy the knowledge that you are a magnet to those around you!

Go Shopping. Always buy a new top or dress before a date. It will make you feel like a million bucks.

But Be Yourself. Go on that first date looking like who you are. If you want to play a part later, you can have fun and even slut it up. But if you’re going to ask him to be real with you, start off by showing him your real self.

Hold a Little Back. Don’t overdo it. Don’t be too open about your plans for a relationship future on the first few dates. You could be shooting yourself in the foot. (That means never say, “I can see us spending the rest of our lives together.”)

Pay Attention. Listen to what a guy tells you about himself. If he says he doesn’t want a serious commitment, believe him. Too many women dress a guy up in the suit they want him to wear, and then say “Why didn’t you tell me this?” He’s thinking, “But I did!”

Learn From Your Losses. If it was good, you would still be in it. But it wasn’t, so you’re not. But your time together mattered: you can take what you’ve learned here to your next relationship.

Don’t Torture Yourself. Never go to see a romantic comedy right before a first date or right after a breakup.

It Starts With You. Until you can believe that you are worthy of love from yourself, you can’t and won’t accept it from others. And when you feel that you are a truly worthy person, no relationship can actually break you.

Cut the Cocktails. Drinks can make a fun first date, but alcohol can give you a false perception and you may not see the real him. Meet up for coffee or tea first and get to know him, then have drinks on the second date.

Be Willing to Cut the Cord. If you see the breakup coming — and let’s face it, usually you do — you’ll feel like the ultimate woman when you take action first instead of sitting there, lip quivering, waiting for the call.

Don’t Overplan. The dates Hewitt has enjoyed most have been very loose and unstructured and tend to go on much longer than expected. They’re like little adventures.

If You’re Selling It, He’ll Buy It. Stop thinking, “He’s going to pick her, not me.” You’re torturing yourself about your looks for other women, not for the guys. If you think you’re the most beautiful woman in the room, you are.

Take off the Rose-Colored Shades. There’s no such thing as perfect. It sounds like the most unromantic thing ever, but you want the shoe that gives the least blister.

Remember the Good Things. Make a list of all your boyfriends. (Wait, don’t burn it!) For each one, pick one positive thing they left you in your life. It can make you feel good about what you’ve gone through to get to the right guy.

2. Giving off that aura of confidence is a real puller with the guys. If you feel like a drag, he will run in the opposite direction even before you can blink your eyes.

3. The power of scent is something you want to use cleverly. In a recently conducted online survey, 89% of men revealed that the ‘smell’ can enhance the attractiveness of a woman. The scent is among the most powerful subconscious influences that affect our judgment about the other sex and can be compared to pheromones in the animal world.

4. Send him signs of interest. Don’t just wait for the guy to come over and introduce himself to you (in case you are meeting for the first time). Play with your hair or caress other objects or try pushing your fingers through your hair. Face him directly and slightly lean forward every now and then.

5. Dressing to impress is a trick that you will never go wrong with. You do not really need to flash seductive lingerie from day one, but just a little hint of skin at the right places can send the mercury soaring.

6. And when flashing that smile does not work, you can “accidentally” touch him too, to drive home the message. When you reach for something, try to accidentally touch his hand. Don’t make it too obvious. The secret is being playful with casual touches now and then. This creates tension and also a physical connection.

7. You should never underestimate the power of dancing. Most women love to express themselves on the dance floor. While you seduce him with those right moves, you can also have some fun while doing it. There are courses on this, or just go to a club and watch and learn.

8. Cook his favorite food. Trust us; the way to a man’s heart is indeed through his stomach. Pick up the right ingredients that can act as aphrodisiacs and wait for the evening to take a lucky turn. Try your hand at oysters, caviar, or just creamy, chocolaty syrup.

9. You can also put on some soft, romantic music for the evening and watch your man squirm with pleasure. Whether it be the classics, modern-day, or plain old country music, Music can put you and your man in the mood!

10. Flirt, flirt, flirt. It’s a harmless way of letting your hottie know how much you care for him. Just make sure you don’t flirt with other guys and push him over the edge, otherwise he will be bolting in the opposite direction from you.

By Darby Saxbe

Most couples focus on avoiding conflict. But happy couples know how to maximize the positive—teasing each other, providing support in secret, and, when called for, taking the focus off their partner.

If you’ve ever gotten relationship advice, you’ve probably heard plenty of don’ts. Don’t nag. Don’t stonewall. Don’t blame. Don’t leave the toilet seat up, don’t squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle, and definitely don’t assume he’s that into you when he’s just not. Well, don’t listen.

The happiest couples focus on do’s, not don’ts. Rather than just steering clear of negative interactions, they actively work to build positivity into their relationships. They show what psychologists call an “approach orientation,” moving toward what’s good, rather than moving away from what’s bad.

Traditionally, couples research has focused more on minimizing negatives (arguments, emotional distance, infidelity) than on maximizing positives. But a new wave of research is changing all that. Positivity-oriented psychologists find that maintaining a favorable balance of positive to negative emotions helps people—and relationships—thrive. “We’ve already learned about all the toxic stuff that harms relationships,” says psychologist Dacher Keltner, author of Born to Be Good. “There’s a whole new science of how to build in good emotions.”

Positivity has a way of shifting our perspective: While negative emotions shut us down, positive emotions open us up. They help us “broaden and build,” argues Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of Positivity. Positive emotions actually spur big-picture thinking, yielding benefits like keener peripheral vision and increased creativity—not to mention better relationships.

“Finding ways to inject humor and lightness into a difficult situation is not merely a distraction,” says Fredrickson, “It actually helps people see possibilities.” Partners stuck in a “one-note song” should move towards greater positivity by seizing “micro-opportunities” to connect, she says. Positive emotion is about more than just having fun—it includes gratitude, inspiration, and curiosity.

When participants do a “loving-kindness meditation,” a form of meditation focused on generating warm and tender feelings toward others, the quotient of positive emotions in their lives increases, which in turn boosts relationship satisfaction, Frederickson has found.

In fact, just setting more positive goals for your relationship can make you happier as a couple. Couples who seek to increase the good in their relationships, concentrating on sharing fun and meaningful experiences together, promoting growth and development in the relationship, and creating satisfaction and intimacy (“approach-oriented goals”), fare better than couples focused on ducking the negatives (“avoidant-oriented” goals), says Emily Impett, a researcher at UC Berkeley.

You may not always achieve all the positives you seek—but it’s enough to realize that positivity is important and to set goals reflecting that. The payoff is great: more fun, more growth, better sex, and more sustained intimacy.

1: Be grateful.

Remembering to thank your partner seems simple, but gratitude may provide the everyday dose of spackle that keeps you glued together over the long haul. “Gratitude helps remind us of the good qualities in our partners,” says Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “It reminds people to attend to the others in their lives.”

In a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. “We get into these routines and start taking our partners for granted,” says Algoe. “But gratitude can work as a booster shot, injecting positive emotion into the relationship.”

A low-quality expression of gratitude focuses on the object—”Thank you for cooking dinner, I was really hungry,” explains Fredrickson. It’s much better to focus on the other person: “You’re such a great cook; it’s so thoughtful of you to cook for me!”

“A lot of people express their appreciation in self-absorbed ways,” Fredrickson says. “But when the expression of gratitude focuses on the other person, we find the other person walks around feeling better about themselves—and six months later, the relationship is stronger.”

2: Poke fun at each other.

Playfulness is one of the first casualties of a busy life, says Dacher Keltner. When your life consists of nothing but working, paying bills, cleaning, and sleep, play can disappear from a relationship. “You have to keep it alive by having fun, joking around, using silly nicknames,” he suggests.

You may think sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue. But Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct, logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions.

That’s because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each other’s quirks. So if you’re annoyed by a partner’s long-standing habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing. Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a way that’s playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you’re having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone.

3: Capitalize on good news.

We expect our partners to provide us with a shoulder to cry on when times are tough—but how couples behave during good times might be even more important. Partners who respond enthusiastically to each other’s successes—asking questions, paying compliments, and cheering each other on—report greater relationship satisfaction over time, says Shelly Gable, a researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. A couple’s ability to “capitalize”—that is, to celebrate each other’s positive events—predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration over negative events.

When something good happens to your partner—a promotion, a compliment from a coworker, or even just a witticism that gets a big laugh—seize the opportunity to make the most of it. You don’t need a major event as an excuse to break out the good china.

4: Use your illusions.

We may think putting our mates on a pedestal is unrealistic—but in fact, partners who idealize each other wind up happier. Partners in the most satisfied couples rate their mates more positively than the mates rate themselves, finds Sandra Murray, a psychologist at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) who studies positive illusions.

Similarly, when spouses perceived their partners as being nicer than their actual behavior warranted, they maintained greater long-term satisfaction than spouses who did not idealize each other as much, according to research by Paul Miller, Sylvia Niehuis, and Ted Huston at the University of Texas, Austin.

So if you value your clear-eyed judgment of others, including your partner, it may be time to ease up a little and concentrate on what you like about your mate. Looking through a soft-focus lens might help you build a genuinely rosier picture over time.

5: Find your ideal self—in your partner.

Happy couples bring out the best in each other. But when partners more closely resemble each other’s ideal selves, couples fare better—above and beyond the benefit to the relationship afforded by how similar you are in actuality, says Caryl Rusbult, a psychologist at the Free University of Amsterdam.

Someone who describes her ideal self as physically fit, for instance, might be happy being with a disciplined athlete; someone who longs to be more creative might thrive with an artistic partner. Rusbult calls this the “Michelangelo effect,” since partners can help “sculpt” each other’s best selves by affirming each other’s efforts at self-improvement. The aspiring fitness buff, for example, appreciates her athletic partner’s reminders to work out.

So try listing your personal goals. Then think about the qualities you like most in your partner. Chances are, there’s overlap between the self you aspire to and the aspects of your partner you appreciate most. Then recruit your partner to help you improve in the domains that matter to you. You’ll not only get closer to your ideal self—you’ll also feel closer to your partner.

6: Notice what’s new about your partner.

Letting your partner surprise you is vital to sustaining excitement in your relationship. But in order to be surprised, you first have to pay attention.

The problem is that most of us get so familiar with our partners, we stop really noticing them. “But the fact that you stopped looking doesn’t mean they’ve stopped changing,” says Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer. It’s only the illusion of stability, Langer says, that leads us to conclude our partners are fixed, static entities.

“You feel like you’ve captured who this is in your mind, so you hold them still,” says Langer. “But they’re actually growing and changing all the time. Once we think we know another person so well that we don’t pay attention to them anymore, the person stops being seen.”

6: Notice what’s new about your partner. continued…

So take the time to actively notice differences: Look for five things that are different from the last time you looked. These differences can be as simple as a new necktie and as profound as a shift in spiritual beliefs. Taking the time to notice—what she calls “mindful awareness”—increases our engagement with our partner.

When non-football-fans watch a game while writing down new things they notice about the players and the stadium, they become more enthusiastic about the sport, Langer found. “You develop a passion for what you’re engaged in,” she says.

So become engaged with your partner. Once you begin to really pay attention, you’ll be amazed by what you discover.

7: Put it in writing.

For a recent Valentine’s Day, Los Angeles-based film editor Stefan Grube gave his wife Julie a journal, with the idea that the couple would take turns writing to each other. “There’s something great about using a pen and paper that helps us really take the time and express our feelings,” says Julie. “I cannot tell you how excited I am when I see he’s replaced it on our shelf and I know there’s a love letter awaiting me.”

Writing has a way of shoring up romantic emotions. A University of Texas study found that when participants wrote about their relationships for 20 minutes at a time for 3 days, they were more likely to be together 3 months later. They also expressed more positive emotions in instant message conversations with each other—the writing had prompted more good feelings about the relationship. So next time you think fondly of your partner, write those thoughts down.

8: Provide support in secret.

You might think showing a stressed-out partner explicit support—like cooking special meals or running time-consuming errands—will shore up your connection. But overt social support carries a cost: Partners feel obligated, which leads to more stress, found Niall Bolger, a psychologist at Columbia University.

The most effective support was actually “invisible.” When one partner claimed to be providing support the other partner did not report receiving, the other partner showed more improvement in mood than when receiving explicit support.

The lesson? Hidden acts of kindness brighten your mate’s day, especially when he or she is going through a challenging time. So instead of making grand gestures, find subtle ways to make your partner’s life easier: Stock the fridge with a favorite drink or straighten up a cluttered workspace. Being surreptitiously supportive is a good way to exercise your positivity muscle on a small scale.

9: Get back in touch.

Sure, having regular sex does wonders for relationship satisfaction and well-being. But for couples whose sex life is stalled, even just a little warm touch can make a difference.

9: Get back in touch. continued…

A simple “listening touch” exercise, in which partners gently touch each other’s neck, shoulders, and hands, increases oxytocin, a hormone that facilitates bonding, and reduces partners’ blood pressure and physiological stress levels, found a team of researchers from Brigham State University and the University of Utah.

“Cultivating ‘body sense’ awareness on one’s own and with one’s partner is essential, not only for a good sexual relationship but during any close encounter,” says Alan Fogel, a University of Utah psychologist who helped develop the touch intervention.

In other words, you can reap the benefits of physical closeness even when you don’t have the time or energy for full-blown intimacy. Just a quick hug or backrub can boost your mood—and your connection with your mate.

10: Look after yourself.

You may think the best way to improve your relationship is to focus more on your partner, but that’s not always true. Investing in your own life and happiness will pay off, too.

“If you’re going through a rough patch, often the most effective thing that you can do is to lovingly remove your attention from the relationship—period,” says Susan Biali, wellness coach and author of Your Prescription for Life. “Forget about what the other person is doing badly, or isn’t doing, and focus on taking positive action in your own life instead.”

By making your life more satisfying, you take pressure off your relationship to be your sole source of happiness. “Plus, by taking care of what you need to in your own life, you bring a more positive attitude back into the relationship,” Biali says. “The other person will start to treat you differently—without you having done anything other than shift your energy into your own life.” For Biali, this strategy took her relationship from “constant chaos” to happy marriage.

Whether you choose to say thanks, sneak in some invisible support, or coin a silly nickname, a little positivity goes a long way. Small gestures matter. Expensive gifts and exotic vacations are nice, but not as meaningful in the long term as simple actions like taking the time to notice a new outfit or cheer a partner’s success. Positivity expands your awareness, begetting more positivity—more noticing, more engagement, more appreciation, and more trust. Little actions help build a reservoir of goodwill that will keep your relationship replenished.

The opportunities to fill that reservoir are out there. Don’t miss them.

If you talk to baby boomer gals, it seems the answer is yes. Indeed, as millions of women enter perimenopause and then transgress to menopause and beyond, many say they check their sex drive at the door – and most are not happy about it.

“I don’t think a day goes by when at least one patient – and usually more – complain that their sex drive is dropping off and want to know what they can do about it,” says Laura Corio, MD, a gynecologist and clinical instructor at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York City.

Clinically known as HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder) Corio says she doesn’t think more women are affected now than in the past, but she does believe more are coming forward — prompted, at least in part, by the success male potency drugs like Viagra.

“The man gets a prescription for Viagra and he’s ready to rock and roll while she’s thinking ‘Hey, where’s my pill?’ If she’s not ready to jump in the old van and join him for a ride, there can be real problems,” says Corio.

Discovering What’s Wrong
While male sex drive is easy to define — and relatively easy to restore — that’s often not the case for women. Because the female sex drive is multifactorial, the desire to make love is not only influenced by physical issues, but emotional ones as well.

“Part of the desire to make love is clearly physical, but part is also emotional – depression can make a difference, so can any emotional issue in a woman’s life; female sex drive is very multidimensional,” says Glenn D. Braunstein, MD, an endocrinologist and chair of the department of medicine at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

While emotions are frequently behind a loss of sex drive in younger women, doctors say it is frequently theagingprocess itself that’s causes changes in desire in women over age 45.

“The very fact that a woman is no longer ovulating regularly, or not ovulating at all, automatically takes her sex drive down a few notches,” says Steven Goldstein, MD, professor of ob-gyn and NYU Medical Center in New York City.

Nature’s Design for Sex
Indeed, as many women are aware, Mother Nature built in a natural increase in the desire for sex beginning just prior to ovulation, and lasting several days afterwards — not coincidentally, the only time of the month conception is possible.

Stop ovulating, says Goldstein, and you automatically lose that regularly scheduled boost in your sex drive that has been present since puberty — and you’re probably going to notice.

“There’s nothing wrong with you; it’s just the way nature works,” says Goldstein.

Moreover, around menopause, when there is also less estrogen circulating in your body, that too can bring your sex drive down for the count.